Monday, September 19, 2011

Dear frustrated "Indians"...

Disclaimer: I mean each and everything I write here... No pretenses from my side...

This post goes out to

a) That frustrated North-Indian in South India...
b) That pissed-off South-Indian in North India...
c) That "I am North-Indian, yet I am normal - face it your moron" and "I am a South-Indian who dares you North-Indian to defeat me in Chess or in counting how many states are in India" type of guys and girls...
d) Every other blogger who writes or plans to join any one of the above-mentioned categories (or any related category) anytime soon...

I am not going to write something extraordinary like the speech President Whitmore gave in "Independence Day". I am not going to assume anything about you or your IQ level if you ask me "What speech? Which movie?" But if you haven't seen this IMDB 6.6 rated 1996 cult-classic mind-blowing movie about how two guys - one an "Obsessed-with-recycling" geek and the other a "I deserve to be a Astronaut and I love cigars" hunk - manage to save the entire planet working together with the Greatest fictional President of the USA, I strongly urge you to reconsider reading the rest of this post and first see this movie...

I really don't care which part of the country you are from, which part of the country you stay presently and which part of the country you plan to settle down, and which "English Grammar Rule" I am breaking with each and every sentence I am writing here. I really care for your useless rantings as much I do care for the buttocks of medium-sized, long-tailed rodents belonging to the superfamily Muroidea. But I do care about what you write about my temporary home (Delhi, North-India), my permanent home (Hyderabad, South India), my birth-place (present-day Mumbai, Maharashtra) and places that made me realize home is where your heart is (Kurukshetra and Lucknow, North India) and not where your lungi is.

Dear frustrated fellow Indians from (a), (b), (c) and (d), the Constitution of India did give us all the right to freedom of speech. We use it in our own ways, but using it to rant about something that you happen to witness in your own narrow world is not hilarious - it's naive. Most of the people who read your post will laugh and enjoy it (I surely did at least one of the two things), but they might as well be laughing at you, and not at what you write (which could be equally pathetic). I, for one, just read and share. I really don't think much into such stereotypes.

Am I an authority on stereotypes? Well, lemme see. I am a short moderately-obese (moderate is not an exaggeration) South-Indian IIM graduate working in a sinking-ship PSU living in North India. I have been branded a "geek", "brainiac", "fatso", "mota reddy" "mote g***nd", "zehari" and what not for most part of my life. As a stout Hyderabadi with a clear South-Indian accent in his English and Hindi, I have heard more jokes about my physique and my dialect than the number of Sardar jokes that most people have heard. Stereotyping? I am the mother-load baby!!

Dear frustrated North-Indian in South India

If you are corporate employee posted in South India, I apologize to you on the behalf of all the screwed-up HR Personnel in this country who decided on your posting. Let me remind you that in all probability, the guy/girl who posted you (remember: Girls love HR, they just don't like marrying one) is as screwed up as you are, and hence wanted a fellow brother/sister to feel his/her pain and anguish and suffering (add more adjectives, please). It was very rude of them to make you experience a different facet of your own motherland by sending you far-far away from the comforting pallu of your mother and the heavy wallet of your father. They should have posted you in dusty Gurgaon, where you could have enjoyed the "devoid of any sense" malls, the long power-cuts in your 10 ft.*8 ft. hole for which you pay an exorbitant sum of money and "no one cares for my intelligence as much as they do for my looks" girls, instead of the discomforts of Bangalore, Mumbai or Chennai. Unfortunately, all the North-Indian HRs working in Hyderabad and Bangalore refuse to take me into their companies and give me an opportunity to amend this grave error that they have been the victims to. As soon as I get a good corporate job, I assure you I'll correct this grave injustice as much as I possibly can.

If you are a North-Indian who is settled in South India because your parents have moved there due to many different reasons, then I hope you have adjusted to the culture around you. If you haven't, well it's your own god-damn fault and you can holler all you like. But we South-Indians do know the quote "Barking Dogs Seldom Bite, but are caught most frequently by Dog-Catchers" and use it to full effect.

Dear frustrated South-Indian in North India

Yes I can empathize with your feelings sir/ma'm (fully knowing the meaning of the word empathize). North Indians are crazy, mean and unsophisticated unlike us pure-bred Dravidians who follow "Athithi-devo-bhava" to the tee, and respect all Indians - both North-and-South alike - without any discrimination of caste creed and colour. Yep, we are the "perfect specimens". It must be frustrating to see them insist that you speak only and only in Hindi, and refuse to communicate with you even if you speak English, the universal language. They don't know the difference between a Madrasi, a Kannadiga, a Mallu and a Andhrite - we all are mallus to all those North-Indian fellas - yep the whole lot.They are Indians too, and yet they really don't care for any of these important details, I know. Their ignorance baffles me - and I admire your bravery to come all the way from the south of this brave nation to fight life's battles - food, clothing, shelter, and money - all this while the states of Punjab, Haryana and Uttaranchal disproportionately sends many of their ignorant chaps to join the Indian Army to protect this useless country. An I don't know why you are still staying there inspite of being so close to the Pakistani border - it's insane you know. You have to go back to your hometown and look for better opportunities there (I'm assuming they do exist, don't they?).

Dear ordinary citizens and mortals


My closest friends (by physical proximity) come from all walks of life - I know (by choice) the caste, economic status, religious affiliation of each one of them. But just because I have problems with the reservation system, or with any particular religion, doesn't mean I don't like my friends. Sometimes, their attitude pisses me off - so much so I show my displeasure frequently. But it's called life, and life is all about adjusting. I have to adjust to them the way they adjust to my various habits. I know they are not perfect, and neither am I.


I know the city I live is isn't perfect either - I have met and talked with Delhiites and I am surely pissed off with some of them. But then, we have our own ideas of perfection, and every state/city/country has its share of "idiots" and "loonies". I know that, understand that, and respect that. Hey, who would be make fun of if we were all perfect?

So stop cribbing about each and every fella you meet who strengthens the stereotype that you harbour about everyone around you. If you want, you can surely stay in your shell and crib about life and what it has to offer. If you have the "balls" to do so (figuratively), I suggest you adjust to it. And before cribbing about a certain North-South stereotype, think twice. This is the same Indian who lives his his own shell - and by criticizing him/her for what he/she is you are merely stooping as low as you think they are. If you don't like something, please ignore it, especially if there is nothing else you can do about it. If you can't, at least please stop blogging about it - else I'll stereotype you as that cheapo who does cheap stunts to stay in the news and to gain publicity (and I am not referring to the Congress Party in any way). Yep, I can and will do that - and not regret it - not because I love doing so. I thought about ignoring your kind for a long time, for many many years, but it has crossed the limit now. 

Yours Sincerely
VRS.

11 comments:

Raghu V N said...

"no one cares for my intelligence as much as they do for my looks" girls!!!!!Perfect usage!!!

Deepak said...

Awesome stuff. I loved it!

abhi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
abhi said...

Wow varun looks like someone has pissed you off so much lately. Being lived in the land of great war of ancient time for four years and in the state where battles are bread for many for two years, I never saw your post so acidic in the past 4 years( since you started blogging). But I like your post as always, whatever the tone and subject of the post may be.

rajesh said...

lol...so finally 3 cheers for madrasan!!!

ashish.joseph said...

Good one, Varun!
keep them comin....

IIM ka Sarkari Babu said...

Thanks fellas. As one friend pointed out to me (in private), it's a bit biased towards the South Indians, and I tend to agree with the assessment. But I never intended for it to be that way - I wanted to blast all corners with impunity. The post was delayed just because of that. I apologize (sincerely) in case anyone feels this unintended bias.

Ritu Yadav said...

loved your writings varun, just switch off the "ranting" part...recieving as well as transmitting...who cares?? Thats how an enormous land of diversity works...chaotic!

IIM ka Sarkari Babu said...

Thanks ma'm :) AS abhi mentioned, I have never been this acidic in my posts... Something ticked me off I guess :

Nallana said...

I wonder what has ticked off the usually calm VRS. Good post! And yeah, we southies rule! \m/ :P

IIM ka Sarkari Babu said...

He he he! We did rule a large part of India and Asia one. Pity the history is rarely remembered by many of us down south...